Here Be Spoilers
I am not the type of person who watches The Bachelor/Bachelorette type shows because they all seem obnoxious and fake (although I did watch “Flavor of Love”–don’t judge me! It was Flavor Flav!) But late one night (it’s always late at night) my Hulu recommended I watch this monstrosity called “I Wanna Marry Harry.” My mind could not understand the preposterousness of what I was watching. I could not look away. I shame-binge-watched the whole trainwreck. For research, I swear!
Here’s the premise: 12 single women go to the English countryside “looking for love” (because fuck you, OKCupid) where they are introduced to a mysterious Prince Charming who they immediately suspect is actually Prince Harry of Wales.
But there’s a twist! This dude is not a prince at all. He’s just a waxen “lookalike” named Matt who is so flat broke he has to borrow his friend’s bike to go to work. The plebe! He’s given the most butleriest of butlers named Kingsley (who is actually an actor named Paul), a full grand staff of servants, a castle, and a crash course of EVERYTHING Prince Harry. Like this dude probably knows if the Prince has hemorrhoids. It’s fascinating.
The Fake Prince needs to convince the girls he’s Prince Harry and make them fall in love with “the real him.” At the end, he picks The Chosen One who was there for The Right Reasons and then reveals the truth. If she still “loves him” for Who He Truly Is (how would she know? Hasn’t he been lying all season?) then another twist–they get $250,000 to be split evenly. And probably have to contractually date for 365 days or something. Romance!
Fox pulled the show off the air after airing something like two episodes and just put it all on Hulu.
The producers went to GREAT LENGTHS to make these chicks believe this guy was Prince Harry; he arrived by helicopter and they staged really obvious paparazzi stings and “security breaches” in which the “Prince” had to be scurried away. The women were all skeptical at first, but there were a few who kept believing against all odds that he was Prince Harry–because apparently they had no eyes? He really doesn’t look like him. Maybe they think all British people look alike?
The producers (this is a Ryan Seacrest production, are you surprised?) assembled the perfect cast of potential love matches for Our Royal Fakeness–a mix of superficial, volatile, naive, dumb (I’m sorry), with a dash of trainwreck. Reality TV Gold!
Let’s meet my Top 4!
Rose is a preschool teacher, “but kind of a naughty one!” She was one of my favorites because she provided a lot of the comic relief with her ridiculous attempts at wooing Harry using her super-affected breathy voice, her super peppy attitude and the whole “naughty teacher” bit. She was also the only one to figure out he wasn’t Prince Harry on her own and call him out on it. She was eliminated. Surprise!
I liked Kim because she always seemed confused that she was even there. She had the best reaction faces and on the first episode said, “This guy must be important if he has security guards. Who else has Secret Service? The queen, the president, Michael Jackson.” Oh and she’s an actress. Big surprise (not): she won! Yay! Enjoy the $125,000 and the contractual romance (even though Fake Harry still lives in England and you’re back in NY)!
Meghan was such a bitch! She was the Regina George of the show. She described herself as the total package: “I’m smart, hot, I cook, I clean. I look bangin’ in a bikini, and I like the finer things in life.” She was all over the Fake Prince from the beginning, calling him babe and making sure the other girls were kept up to date as to what base they had gotten to on their dates. She is responsible for the best comeback line of all time: “Your head is lodged so far up your ass, I could eat alphabet soup and shit something out that would make more sense than what you’re saying right now.” And mind you, this was in response to being called a Mean Girl. Is it wrong I loved her so? Probably. But who doesn’t love a good villain? Never change, Meghan!
Oh, Kelley. I will never forget you, self-proclaimed “Southern Belle.” She was equal parts endearing and terrifying. Kelley believed in fairytales and happy endings and would do anything (ANYTHING) to be with Prince Harry. Her crazy eyes scared all the other girls (but warmed my heart). She spent all the dates with Harry gazing adoringly at him and telling him how amazing he was and how perfect it was the he was a prince.
In his interviews, the Fake Prince said he felt extremely pressured to be at his most “Princerly” while with Kelley. She would do all kinds of things to impress him like, seriously HITTING HER HEAD while doing a backwards dive off a rowboat and coming up from the water, fervently proclaiming “IT’S ALL FOR YOU, HARRY! ALL FOR YOU!” (Okay, no, she just said, “I’m okay!”)
In all her interviews, she said she would be the ideal princess and all those other bitches were there for the wrong reasons; she would make sure that Prince Harry knew that she was The One. She was like a character in a Lana Del Rey song if Lana Del Rey wrote about princes instead of thugs. If the contestants had bunnies, she would have boiled them. This wasn’t lost on them and the girls kept saying in interviews that it was terrifying to have someone so close to them who was willing to do anything to be with Harry.
After a few too many “I will do anything to get him” (her words verbatim) she skeeved out Our Royal Fakeness enough that he sat her down to have the elimination talk. But even as he was breaking up with her, she didn’t get it. She told him what an inspiration he was for serving his country. He looked so uncomfortable when he finally had to be like, “Dude, you’re leaving” (in so many words). She crumpled like the world ended, man. I am legit worried about her when she finds out he wasn’t really Prince Harry.
So what were the findings of my research? Mass Hysteria is a powerful thing. Matt Hicks, our Fake Prince, looks nothing like Prince Harry, and at first many of these women could totally see that. But as they spent more weeks in that isolated castle with the gullible ones convincing themselves and egging each other on that it must be Prince Harry (I mean, he has red hair! A British accent! It must be! —I’m sure the lack of Internet helped) 12 women were convinced that Prince Harry of Wales would actually go on a reality dating show to find a girlfriend. That the Queen of England would be down with that. And that said girlfriend could potentially one day marry into royalty.
Well done, Ryan Seacrest.