Louie’s 4th Season is back after what felt like two years! (Oh wait, it was) I’m so glad to be able to recap it for you every week! FX is at least making up for the long hiatus by giving us two episodes back to back every week, so yay!
During his opening monologue in “Back,” Louie does a bit where he once forgot how old he had been for a whole year until a friend reminded him, and said he felt like he “aged two years in like two minutes.”
Setting the tone for what kind of day it will be, Louie gets woken up by a REALLY loud garbage crew, so loud that it feels as if some of them break through his window and start playing music Stomp! style inside his room.
Then on his way to the elevator to meet a friend for coffee, he gets into an argument with Tony, the super, about a badly retold joke involving Pinocchio and cunnilingus. Louie finally makes it to coffee with his shitty friend (there’s no other way to describe him) and begins to vent about how stressful his Tuesdays are. He has to pick up the girls and do the dad stuff, then go to the Comedy Cellar and do the whole comedian thing on top of it. His friend’s advice? “Just abandon your kids. Dads don’t matter.”
Even though Shitty Friend’s dad was amazing, Louie should abandon his kids because they suck. Shitty Friend goes on to say “I don’t like your kids, I met them and I don’t like them.” He talks about making pictures of them and tearing them up in front of their little faces while Louie looks on with a deadpan expression. It’s moments like this that make me live for this show!
Louie’s crappy Tuesday continues as he’s picking up the girls from school and Jane keeps whining that her backpack is too heavy and would Louie carry it for her. Louie tries to give her my new favorite parenting lesson by saying “I would never do that to you … take away your burden from you … because it would deprive you of your growth and development.” I’m gonna start using that on my two year old AND my boyfriend all the time from now on!
At home, Jane wants to know what Louie is making for dinner and when he says “Broccoli and pasta,” she and I reply “Eww, yuck!” in unison. Louie (and my boyfriend, watching this) cannot contain their annoyance: “Get away from me, right now. Get far, far away from me.”
As Louie is setting down the plates for dinner, Lily is doing her homework. She has to write a letter to AIDS. Louie tries to help (“Dear AIDS … please cut it out?”) but Lily is not impressed.
At bedtime. the girls hate who will be babysitting them, so Louie does a killer impression of the Beatles. We then catch up with him at the Comedy Cellar, where he closes his monologue saying he wishes he could go to bed at 4 pm and wake up at 2 pm the next day. I feel you, Louie.
And in my absolute favorite part of this episode, Louie is playing poker with his comedian friends (including Sarah Silverman! Yay!) and a discussion of masturbation comes up; everyone goes on about how he or she does it, but Jim Norton wins with his descriptive story of masturbating using a vibrator around his shaft and balls, while knowing he has a huge black dildo in a drawer that he won’t use.“It makes me feel better, and that helps me cum.” This, of course, peaks Louie’s interest and sends him to a sex shop. As two sales women talk about cock rings while he’s selecting a vibrator, his back spasms and suddenly he can’t move his right arm. Maybe it’s shame?
Louie then goes to see the weirdest (most awesome) doctor on earth that lives at his building. When he tells Dr. Bigelow that his back hurts, the doctor deadpans: “My professional diagnosis is that your back hurts.” Then he goes on a long diatribe about how the back was meant to be horizontal, but then people messed it up by using it vertically. Louie should either walk on his hands and feet, or just accept the back pain and be thankful for the seconds he has without it. “Come see me when you have something fun like a blood disease, that’s what I went to school for.”
As he leaves, the nurse commiserates with Louie about having a bad back and shows him a wand massager she uses on her back, which (yep!) can also double up as a vibrator.
The episode ends with Louie taking his brand new wand massager out of the box and sneaking into his room.
The second episode of the season, “Model,” starts with Louie trying to say “hello” to a waitress. She turns around and tells him off, to please not ask her out and make her have to say no, because she doesn’t want to “live that” right now. As she storms off, a second waitress tells him he’s gotta stop asking everybody out. Does he think people like saying no?
Jerry Seinfeld comes to his rescue by getting him an opening gig at a Hamptons Benefit the next day. When Louie gets there, he realizes he’s severely under-dressed in his black T-shirt and jeans because, dude, it’s a fucking benefit in the Hamptons. They almost don’t let him in, but Jerry vouches for Louie and gets him a security jacket, making him look even more out of place.
Louie goes onstage to introduce Jerry and just . . . bombs. At one point he says “Chickens are dumb, right?” Only one woman is breaking the awkward silence with her constant giggling. His frustration reaches a breaking point, and he insults the audience before finally ending it and introducing Jerry.
In the parking lot, the laughing woman comes out (it’s Hannah! From Dexter! I’ll never forgive you, Dexter writers!) and confirms Louie was awful but that’s why she couldn’t stop laughing. She then pulls up in a black Maserati and tells him to get in, which he does. The whole thing is out of a movie: she plays the part of a wild child who won’t even say her name, but likes it that Louie makes her laugh. She takes off her clothes and jumps into the ocean next to her huge house, and then seduces Louie who is playing the part of the awkward, lower-class, “Is this really happening?” dude.
Afterwards they lie in bed, Louie still unable to believe a model just slept with him. “Hannah” wants to know what makes Louie laugh and goes for the obvious —tickling. Bad idea, as it causes Louie to panic. He accidentally elbows her in the face, so hard that he knocks her out.
Cue the ambulance. Louie is in the hospital, on the phone with Jerry Seinfeld asking for assistance. Jerry summarizes, “So, you went home with a girl from the benefit, you had sex with her, you punched her, in the face … And now she’s in the hospital?” Louie looks behind him at the officer just out of focus and explains he was hoping he could come by and help, but Jerry only gives him a lawyer’s number and tells Louie he’s on his own. The situation was so awkward and awful, I could not stop laughing.
The girl’s parent’s arrive, the dad sees Louie and screams “That guy?!” Louie just says “Oh, shit.” The dad punches Louie, the police arrive and the whole scene ends in chaos.
Afterwards, we see Louie talking to a lawyer. He fills Louie in on the damage to the girl’s eyes, and that he can get the family to settle for “five … million.” Louie explains he’ll never have that much cash, and the lawyer tells him maybe they’ll agree to monthly payments in the range of $5,000. This was an accident, and Louie is flabbergasted that this is actually happening. The lawyer explains that because of the status and influence of the girl’s family, if they take it to court, he will likely go to jail for “criminal negligence” because he took the chance by sleeping with a stranger, knowing he was violently ticklish. Louie protests that she’s 50% responsible. The lawyer responds, “That’s why I can get it down to $5 million.”
Louis C.K. has taken both a class issue and violence against women parable and served it to us wrapped up as a black comedy. Brilliant.
At least this story —and the fact that Louie has to pay these people $5k/month for the rest of his life— garners sympathy and attention (and some laughs because, really, this shit is awful) from those same waitresses that were so mean to Louie in the beginning. Free drinks for life (or at least until his nose heals from that punch). Yay?