50 Reasons I Should Be Your Boyfriend

Recently, our correspondent Jona Whipple came across this Craigslist gem. Most of the time, the m4f section is a sea of dick pics in which no woman would wish to drown. However, Jona was lucky enough to wash up on the shore of a real gentleman and his “50 Reasons I Should Be Your Boyfriend.” And we’re lucky enough that she provided replies to each of his reasons.

1. I’ll love you eight days a week.

That’s fine, but I have a job and friends and shit so could you cut it down to an hour a week?

2. You will score more points if you get the reference to number one.

Um, yeah. I heard John and Cynthia’s marriage didn’t last because he gave her some arbitrary pop culture quiz and she failed it and he was like “she’s just not on my level and stuff.”

3. I’ll always know when you need a hug.

Are you sure? Because, like a typical woman, I am usually crying and bleeding and screaming and eating salmon and throwing my clothes all over the room, so it might be hard to tell the difference between my “OMG I look fat, hug me!” mood and my “OMG I look fat, leave me alone!” mood.

4. I know the difference between your and you’re, there and their.

Great! Now learn the difference between “the” and “they” (see typo in statement #32) and “begrudgingly” and begrudingly” (see typo in statement #13) and the difference between “it’s” and “its” (see typo in statement #49).

5. I’ll always be attentive and loving . . . except during March Madness.

Soooo, technically…always = not always? Got it.

6. I’ll never cheat.

Slow clap.

7. I’ll only smoke my victory cigars on the porch and I promise not to put the toilet paper roll on backwards.

Can you call your ride to chemotherapy for your mouth cancer on the porch, too? I just don’t wanna overhear that phone call. It would be upsetting, and my poor lady emotions are frail.

8. I won’t make you watch football with me.

Thank God. I’ll probably be busy washing my vagina and pinning pictures of babies on Pinterest, anyway. We all know that every woman HATES football, LOL.

9. My friends are hilarious and my family is very accepting.

So…what you’re saying is, your friends are around a lot and they all think they’re funny? Sounds awesome (that was sarcasm; it actually sounds painful and annoying).

10. I’ll shut the door when I take a leak and I will leave the toilet seat down.

It’s phrases like “take a leak” that negate your attempts at civilized behavior.

11. I’ll make love to you all of the time and f— you on occasion.

That sounds absolutely horrible. Will we be in a Boyz II Men video? Will there be roses and silky sheets and all kinds of nasty-smelling red candles around our bed in a room full of steam? Because I might just vomit all over that bed. And what’s this “f—“ business? Are you saying you’ll totally do it, you know, do THAT, in that “hur hur you know what I’m talkin’ bout baby” kind of way? But you just can’t type the word? Will you be saying, during it, “oooh girl I’m gonna eff-dash-dash-dash the H-E-double hockey sticks outta you”? And this is all the time?

12. I’ll wait up for you and watch The Housewives with you (of Orange County is the only good one).

Knock yourself out. I’ll be in the bedroom watching Game of Thrones. Help yourself to one of my tampons.

13. I’ll cook you dinner and will give up the remote…..on occasion, begrudingly.

What’s “begrudingly”? How does one get begrudded? It’s a shame that such a grammar genius doesn’t know how to run spell check on his word processing program.

14. I’m an entrepreneur and part time actor.

So you have a Google doc full of ideas for tech startups and you’ve done voice work for a local car dealership. Are you asking me for some gas money or something?

15. I’m OK with you stealing my hoodies on cold nights.

I’ll just steal the string from the hood to hang myself.

16. I have great stories from my college days.

Sorry, what? I didn’t mean to tune out…I was just sitting here making a list of qualities I want in a man and I happened to put down “has great stories from college days.”

17. I’ll warm up your car and scrape your windshield on cold mornings.

That would be awesome, because I’m a girl and cold weather makes me pass out and also my arms have the strength and muscle mass of a two-day-old baby deer. Also, I have cramps.

18. I’m a human space heater and fully expect your cold ass toes planted on me in the middle of the night.

Ass toes? What kind of mutants have you been dating?

19. I’m addicted to Tru TV and Gold Rush.

I’m addicted to Not Giving a Shit What You Watch On TV Already.

20. I’ll pretend to like it when you drag me out shopping.

I’ll pretend to drag you out shopping and leave you in the parking lot at the mall and go see a movie or something. When you realize I’m gone and I’m not coming back, you can pretend not to piss your pants, okay?

21. I’ll make the coffee and kiss you goodbye every morning.

Don’t forget to make my lunch with a pudding cup in it and lay out my clothes, and make sure I catch the school bus, Dad.

22. I’ll thumb wrestle you in bed.

Never will there be a bed in which our thumbs come even close to touching.

23. I’m a Capricorn and I am not afraid of marriage.

Well, if you’re such a catch, why haven’t you conquered the steaming volcanic Mount Matrimony yet, tough guy?

24. I’ll fall asleep in your lap.

I’ll fart in your face.

25. I’ll always fight for you.

Awesome, because like most women, I start a lot of drama and the only way I know a guy loves me is if he stands up and fights my pointless battles for me.

26. I’ll love spooning you and make out with you and not expect sex (it will be hard though).

What will be hard? I mean, we know your penis (sorry, “p—-“) will be hard, but are you telling me that it will be very hard for you to not expect sex? As in, “Hey baby, don’t expect sex at all right now, but I just want you to know what a sacrifice it is for me to not expect it.” Um, okay.

(Does it happen to you a lot? This phenomena of women making out with you and then not wanting to eff-dash-dash-dash you?)

27. I’ll wake you up in the middle of the night (more brownie points if you can you guess what I will be doing to you).

Thumb wrestling? Ohhhh, you meant rape.

28. I’ll send flowers to your office so that the other girls will be envious and the guys will know you’re taken.

Right on, dude! I’m so shallow, I’d rather not create any real relationships with the people I work with. I just want them to seethe with jealousy at my awesome relationship, and I also want anyone with a penis to know that I belong to a guy and no longer have a free will. Actually, is there a particular way you would like for me to dress when I go to the office/gym/grocery store/etc.? Because I wouldn’t want anyone to think I was single.

29. I’ll need you to remind me of everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.

What do I look like? Siri?

30. I have an open and fun job that takes me away from time to time.

What is an “open job?” Did some guy on the street just walk up to you and say “Hello, would you like to be an entrepreneur and part-time actor?” and you were like “Well, okay, all I have on my list today is to be a human space heater, so I guess I have time.” Then that guy took you to the salon she goes to in Pretty Woman, and they gave you a bunch of new suits and matching fedoras, and now you work in one of those creepy warehouse offices where they all ride around on Segways and eat catered lunch in a giant treehouse and pretend to have a lot of money so that VC firms will invest in them? Is it that kind of open? Open as in there’s plenty of room to ride your Segway around? That just sounds positively scintillating, I’m –HAHAHHAHAHA SORRY I CAN’T KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE!!!

31. 

… And? What happened to 31? What did you do to 31???

32. I always give bums my spare change even if the are not ex-military.

Will you look around after you do it to make sure somebody on your economic level saw you do it? Will you use this act of selflessness as proof of how selfless you are in a list of reasons why your self is awesome?

33. I will always be able to make you laugh. Why did the blonde stare at the OJ container? Because, it said “concentrate”. (no offense blondes, you guys rock!)

That did not make me laugh at all. It actually made me cringe and wonder if you have a learning disability and live in your parents’ basement, or if maybe your therapist made you write this list but didn’t mean for you to publish it? God. I am gonna feel really bad if you’re mentally disabled. Only for a minute, though.

34. I would rather be alone than be with the wrong woman, I should get street cred for that!

Street cred? Like, you want dudes to see you passing by and go “Daaamn, homey would rather be alone than be with the wrong woman, I don’t wanna fuck wit him.”

35. I adore my parents and my mom taught me how to treat a woman.

Did she say, “Lesson 1: Bore her with a list of 50 reasons why you’re so great!” Because I think your mom was sabotaging you, dude.

36. I’ll talk dirty to you in bed.

What, after the hot thumb wrestling foreplay? You can’t even type the word “fuck” on the Internet. What makes you think you’ll be able to say it?

37. I am Caucasian and disease and drug free. I am secure in my masculinity but I am not afraid to show my sensitive side.

So you’d cry if I called you a honky?

38. I love kids

m4w: Looking for Love, older anonymous Internet man loves thumb games and Real Housewives. Also loves kids. Yeah, sure, that doesn’t scream ONE MILLION RED FLAGS.

39. I’ll always take care of you when you’re sick. (See the correct usage of the word you’re!?)

You deserve a medal. I’ll go have one made for you.

40. I’m stubborn, but with one touch, you will always be able to make me melt.

Why, are you made of cheese? Prepare to be melted, eaten, and no longer in existence— except in the essence of my cheese farts.

41. I’m 39 but look 35. I still get carded for booze.

 Ewww, you call it “booze.” You might as well have a walker with tennis balls on the bottom.

42. I’ve spent a lot of days in places where mankind has broken my heart many times. Sometimes it shows. You should be able to deal with that.

I have no idea what this means. Are you going to be, like, wailing in the shower for hours at a time because you spent some time on a mission trip to Africa? I don’t think I could get down with that. I’m not a psychotherapist.

43. I won’t be stinky.

Oh, like boring is any better.

44. I’ll love it when you pick me up from the airport.

That would be hard to do because most people HATE getting picked up from the airport! Sometimes I’m just like, “goddammit, I wish I could have just paid $50 and taken a CAB for chrissakes, but no, this asshole had to come and GET me IMMEDIATELY after I landed.” So yeah, I feel you. It’s definitely a quality when people pretend to like it when I insist on driving out to the airport to get their annoying ass.

45. I have a great body but I will not guilt trip you into going to the gym with me.

I’m going to send flowers to you at the gym every time you go so everyone there will know you’re mine.

46. I don’t use the words hym, boi or womyn and I think people who do are morons.

That’s not how you get street cred, boiiiiii!

47. I’m not a snob unless you use the words hym, boi or womyn.

What about “booya”? Is that okay? Because I was thinking I would really like to tell you that you dropped something, then, just when you bent over to see what you dropped, knee you in the face really fucking hard and then shout “BOOYA!”

48. I’ll use the corny joke I just heard in the office as an excuse to call you and say hello. (see no. 33)

I’ll use the Hold button to leave you hanging for five hours until you realize I’m not coming back on the line.

49. I’ll let you put whatever you want in my Netflix que even if its a chick flick.

Would you also devote some time to learning how to spell “queue”? And please stop canceling my personal Netflix account just so we have to share one and you always know what I’m watching. It’s creepy.

50. Are you down with my 50 reasons? I could name more reasons why you would want to date me, but at this point I want to hear 10 good reasons to date you!

I’m all over your 50 reasons, Jack! I’m sure you could go on and on.

 

  • Andrea A

    I just love that several of these “reasons” were actually instructions on how to be his girlfriend. I guess we should be so drawn in by all his fabulous qualities that we’d jump at the chance to change ourselves to be his perfect girlfriend! JOY!

    and we must be okay with non-consensual nighttime sex. but at least he’ll wake us up with it! no roofies! be still my heart.

    “I’m 39 but look 35.” ohhhhh I understand now.

  • Lex

    I am 90% sure that I know a dude like this . . .

    I am ashamed. I’ll go in the corner now.

  • xanax & skittles

    What a nightmare. I bet he gets tons of the LADIES after this cl post!

  • nyhcmaven84

    Craig’s List dating ads remind me of the crap found in those depressing outlet malls I got dragged to on family vacations…

    Truckloads of third-rate goods that just can’t get unloaded no matter HOW much they get marked down, and some of them so ridiculous that you don’t even know why they existed. A boundless yonder of “Why am I here and what the fuck did I just look at?!”

  • JulaiOhMy

    I gotta say, you guys, my sister is the funniest person I know. I have cry-laughed reading this more than once.

  • gatsbysmeow

    this isn’t funny

    • http://cupcakeheartbreak.wordpress.com Cupcake Heartbreak

      That wasn’t a sentence.

  • Millie Hayes

    “Entrepreneur” = pyramid scheme “team leader”

    • JulaiOhMy

      “Selling perfume in the parking lot at Best Buy.”

  • http://postable.com/katyb AnathemaD

    help. guys, I…I almost feel bad for him. not for this article, which utterly hilarious and richly deserved, but like, he wrote this. there is a guy that had an idea in his head to write an ad on craigslist (because it is so well known for finding reputable people to date. it’s not a place that only the most desperate go to fuck.) and he decided to make a list about why he is awesome. he wrote that list, seemingly in earnest, read it over, thought, YES WOMEN WILL RESPOND TO THIS POSITIVELY. and posted it. THAT MAN EXISTS IN THIS REALITY. I can’t help but feel sad for him, while also wanting to spin-kick his face off.

    • JulaiOhMy

      I really can’t think about how sad it is that a human man out there thought a woman would see this and think “At last! My mate!!!” or else I’ll slide down the grey rainbow into a cry-hole.

      Has he never actually met another person before? Possibly he was raised in the back of a closet, by a family of moth balls?

      • http://postable.com/katyb AnathemaD

        “even if the [sic! sic sic SICK] are not ex-military.” “OH MY GOD, THIS MAN IS A SAINT. SOMEBODY GET THE POPE ON THE PHONE.”
        and I like how he casually lists his race with his clean drug panel and STD screening. because white is good.
        also, we would never work out. I have a squishy body and would definitely guilt him into spending time on the couch. (also see what I did there, WORK OUT? it was a pun.)
        alas. I will forever be measuring men by the standard he has set, and none will ever meet them. it will be a lonely life, but I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person. otherwise, my street cred would be just SHOT.

        • JulaiOhMy

          YEAH BOIIIII!!!!

        • thegrumpygirl

          Yeah, I was surprised Jona didn’t jump on that race thing. I so would’ve. No holds barred.

        • thegrumpygirl

          Maybe there’s like a secret club for men where they meet and talk about how “open-minded”, how “pc” they are. How they diligently censor their f—s and take good care to respect their women’s (never womyn!) hormone-induced moods. And when they meet they stand around in a circle and pat each other on the backs. Because there, at least, someone understands them. Maybe that secret club has a secret grading system called “street cred”. THAT must be the street cred he’s talking about.

          • MGM444

            Right? There’s the men that have to think about respecting women, and it comes off as “humoring” women, and they can’t tell the difference. And then there’s the men who ACTUALLY respect women, so the don’t have to think about it.

          • http://postable.com/katyb AnathemaD

            at least it’s usually pretty obvious, especially in real life situations, which one they are. if they have to think about it, you can usually SEE them thinking about it because it’s oh so much effort, or if they’ve happened to get good at hiding their thinking face, eventually they just forget to think. and then are like, OH I ONLY SAID THAT IN FRONT OF YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE LIKE ONE OF THE GUYS. SEE, I RESPECT YOUUUU. and it’s like, dude you’re doing it wrong.

          • MGM444

            Yeah, women shouldn’t have to be “one of the guys” to get respect. Also, picking out individual women to respect invalidates the whole respecting women as human beings claim.

          • http://postable.com/katyb AnathemaD

            the whole thing makes it seem like he’s an alien who has been monitoring human behavior through the worst reality TV has to offer, and he just like, beamed down off his UFO while the rest of his crew was like Uh, you know that isn’t an accurate depic— and he’s like, SHUT UP, I BET I CAN MAKE THE SEX WITH ALL OF THEIR WOMEN. and they were just like, No, that isn’t how that—you know what, yes. go. you will blend in perfectly and um, make “the sex”. come back tomorrow and tell us all about it. *snicker* and that was like fifteen years ago, because that is the only scenario that makes this not super sad. he keeps pretending all of their telepathic messages got lost in the mail, while he watches porn trying to master the vocabulary to go back to his ship and not be laughed into committing whatever their alien version of sepukku is.

            …sorry, I got carried away. but isn’t that more logical than him being an actual human person? yes. it is clear. WE ARE NOT ALONE.

          • thegrumpygirl

            Well, this is pretty fantastic, I’m just not sure how it is LESS sad 😉

          • http://postable.com/katyb AnathemaD

            …um…uh…oh! he hasn’t probed anyone yet, obviously. and clearly the aliens are not malevolent and have no death rays, probably. and now, whenever you meet one of these people, if you just cannot even that day, you can picture like, one of those little aliens from MIB or something sitting in his face piloting his body and giggle a little which will probably confound him into silence.
            sometimes I create elaborate explanations for mundane bullshittiness to make the world a little less horrible! and then I hide in my room inside a book until I can look the world in the face again.

    • thegrumpygirl

      Yes, he is a clear case of “Let’s get rid of all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out” (I mean, at least we can be dead sure that guy won’t be procreating any time soon) , but I refuse to feel sorry for a guy that makes one of his 50 already misogynist reasons one where he takes a shit on gender-acknowledging language. Ick.

  • boonslala

    I bet this guy wears a fedora.

    • JulaiOhMy

      I bet this guy IS a fedora.

  • lavieencobra

    You had me at H-E-double hockey sticks.

  • http://katcanblog.wordpress.com/ Kat Pao

    Darn, if only I wasn’t single!

  • thegrumpygirl

    “Will we be in a Boyz II Men video? Will there be roses and silky sheets and all kinds of nasty-smelling red candles around our bed in a room full of steam?” This cracked me up. The rest was just the fucking (oh, sorry, I mean f—ing?) hilarious cherry on top.

  • thegrumpygirl

    And now that I finished reading I’m just all “WAAAAAAAAH, someone please protect WOMYNKIND from this asshat!”

  • sailorqueen

    This article made me laugh, especially no. 24!